TITLE: Across The Room
WORD COUNT: 1,111
FANDOM: my own
AUTHOR'S NOTES; Two guys are together, committed to each other for the long run even though, for the present, one wants an open relationship while the other doesn't, but who, because of fear-of-abandonment issues and an honest belief in their love, their destiny, chooses nonetheless to go along. What might happen within him internally as opposed to what he shows externally when he inadvertently finds his partner with someone else in a club where they are somewhat known?
Across the Room
Room twists and spins, dissolves and melts, finally becoming nothingness when I see you with him, Closing my eyes, I remember how to breathe and the room refocuses, refocuses into the clearest of crystal clarity, but only just where I see you with him, holding him, only just where I see you touching him with fingertips just as tender, just as caring, just as knowing as when you hold me, as when you touch me. Just as tender, just as caring as when you, only you, know me.
Everywhere else, everyone else fades, pales to sheerest white, shimmering all around me, everywhere else, everyone else loses all relevance except just where you are with him, only what is real is just where you are dancing with him. Closing my eyes for a second, only for a second, I fear what I don‘t understand. Why? Why him? Please tell me why you need him?
At my side Cody says, You alright? I nod. At my side Charlie says, You want to leave? I say, No. They lead me to the bar. Our friends at my side. Ours.
Watching tender fingertips, your fingertips stroking a stray curl behind his ear, drifting easy across his cheek and the room quiets, all the chatter of existence silences into nothingness. Except for my heart which pounds a deafening beat only I hear. Closing my eyes, just for a second, only for a second, I remember how to breathe. I turn away.
Cody says, Sure you’re alright? I nod. Charlie says, Sure you want to stay? I say, Yes. Taking a swallow of my drink, I turn back again, back toward you, I walk toward you and Cody says, Jaxon? and I hesitate, only for a second, I close my eyes only for a second and I smile to him and still, I walk toward you
Now, watching you cup his cheek in your palm, now, watching you caress your thumb down his throat, I stop. Ducking your head, you search his eyes and the space widens immeasurably between us, becomes infinite, impassable. Paralyzed with abrupt understanding, with the mind-fucking understanding that swallows me whole and complete, I stop.
All lies. You said nothing matters to you but me. All lies. That your love is given only to me. All lies. That the others mean nothing to you. Lies. Lies. Les. Truth is, when I see you smile at him. Truth is, when I see you kiss him. We are nothing but lies. Fear smelling hot of rage washes over me, pulses through me, pounds into me. Fuck you. Fuck you and your fucking lies.
Leaning into you, your arms accepting surrounding defining him as a part of you, he finds his place where I am supposed to be, where I am meant to be. His head on your shoulder, you move with him slow and easy to some far away rhythm when his eyes find mine and from across the room his slight and shimmering smile slaps me nearly blind. Closing my eyes for a second, only for a second, I remember how to breathe.
Claiming you as his, moving even further into you, melting even more into you, he shields you from me, shields you from even knowing that I’m there as a hundred a thousand a million eyes are on us. On me. On you. Waiting, just waiting so patiently to see what we will do. Even as, with each new kiss he dusts over your face, along your throat, the pain grows, demanding of me, why?
Charlie comes up behind me, says, Jaxon, let’s go, but again, I shake my head. Why do I make myself stay? as pain needed? as punishment deserved? as anguish required? Don’t know. I don’t know.
Seeing me, when you finally see me, you hesitate. Before you come to me, you hesitate, still holding his hand. His hand. Fuck you. Fuck. You. Stepping back, stepping away from you, from him, putting distance, even more distance, even more fucking distance between me and you, from him, I wait and I see confusion in your eyes. I don‘t know why.
You say, Thought I left you home.
I say, Cody and Charlie called, wanted to go out. Wouldn’t have come if I’d know you were here? Closing my eyes for a second, only for a second, I remember how to breathe.
You say, Well, you’re here now…so --
I glance to him, then back to you, I say, Yeah, have been for awhile. Listen, not a problem, ya know? No big deal. But you’re looking at him. At him. Have eyes only for him. Have to go. Have to go. Have to get thefuck out. I say, We’ll just be going, No big deal anyway, right? Plenty of other bars in this town. I never would have --
Stop. You say, Jaxon, stop. Just. Stop.
So I do. Even if my shaking doesn’t. Even if the room still shimmers white. Even if I can only just remember how to breathe. Even if I know, even if I have always known, I will only ever love you. I stop. What else?
Talking to you, holding on to you, he tries to wipe the cloud of darkness he sees in your eyes, so I turn away, retreat to the place where I know you aren‘t. Back to Cody. Back to Charlie. Back. Walk with me. They walk with me to the door. They walk with me away. Away from you. We just walk the thefuck away from you.
Then, you call out to me, Baby?
And again I stop, I turn to you, I say, See you tomorrow, alright? You’ll be home tomorrow? Their hundred their thousand their million eyes are on us, I won’t let you down.
You say, I’ll be home tonight.
I say, Hey, like I said, no biggie, right? Come home when--
Tonight. You step towards me, towards me, you say, Tonight.
And I want to touch you. I want to breathe in your breath, your scent; I want to tell you that you are mine. I want to feel the sweat of your skin on mine, your hands touching, calming me; I want to know the grip of your fingers in my hair holding, claiming me. I need the sweet taste of your lips on mine reminding me, don’t let me forget, why I’m alive, but I can’t. I can’t. I can’t step toward you.
I say, Later. And I turn from you, I walk through the door away from you, I walk out to the street and facing the darkness of my night, I leave you behind.
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