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I have a Confession to make....

I never rewatch QAF...not ever which, undoubtedly, explains why I like to write AU.

I buy the DVDs, rewatch them once, okay it's not that I NEVER rewatch the show, I rewatch each season once, then put them away. And, actually, for Season Five, I only rewatched bits and pieces and 513 just to see if it was as bad as I remembered it was.

And it wasn't, for me it wasn't as bad one year later, but...

...I was so pissed when 513 aired, I felt ripped-off, like I'd invested all this time, emotions, money (the cost of five seasons of DVDs and CDs adds up after a while) and I felt like I didn't get the pay-off I expected...wanted...needed.

When I realized where 513 was going, I remember curling up into a little ball on the couch, thinking "they better not, they better not" but they did, they left Justin out and I was seriously seriously pissed. When it ended, I jumped up off of the couch, screamed mother-fuckers at the credits, went over to my husband and told him, "I gotta go," to which he replied, "you're really upset about this, aren't you?" I walked down the hall to our bedroom muttering, "yeah, I am,  I really am."

It wasn't the ending as such, it wasn't the story-line. I realized this fairly early on. Justin could have been anywhere, there are a thousand million reasons why he wasn't there, none of which having anything to do with Brian and him not being together anymore. I started writing my post513 story within a couple of months and in it I made everything turn out as I wanted. I had no involvement in the famdom, read no other post513 stories, working in complete isolation and I made myself happy.  Now I can read any post513 story (except gaedhal's evil stream, sorry, I read everything else) and I'm fine with it.

So what was my problem with the ending? I wanted a perfect last visual, one final ohmyfuckinggod image to carry me through (you know, like that tongue-kiss at the end of the busting-down of the backroom's door, then the cut-to-credits, then the cut back for that beautiful all-in-blue, 30 sec. kiss) and it wasn't there. How could it be when Justin wasn't there so...

...yesterday, as "research", I rewatched 513 and you know what? it is there, my perfect visual, I just never realized it and no, it doesn't include Justin, obviously but, for me, it doesn't have to. That sounds strange, even to me, because it's Justin I totally relate to but my visual is there nonetheless and it is just before the cut-to-credits. When Brian is dancing, when he throws his head back, his eyes just closed, all bathed in golden light, with his arms outstretched in front of him, it really is a ohmyfuckinggod image, how can anyone be so beautiful? and bam, cut-to-credits. That last little bit when they come back to Babylon after the credits doesn't exist for me, as far as I'm concerned, I never saw that.

That's not the Brian from season one that I see up on that platform. the Brian I see is a changed man, changed for the better and changed because of Justin and so...

...it really is only a matter of time.

Oh...I also rewatched the trying-on-of-the-tuxes scene, Brian so loves Justin. the way he looks at him, touches him, hovers over him...fuck. And honestly I got misty-eyes...I really did.

It's good.

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zaipixie
Mar. 15th, 2007 08:51 pm (UTC)
That's not the Brian from season one that I see up on that platform. the Brian I see is a changed man, changed for the better and changed because of Justin and so...

YES!! THANK YOU!!

Ok, I'm one of those precious few as it seems... The ones that really loves the ending.

Let me explain by first pointing out that I'm a disciple of Joss Whedon and it wasn't long before 513 that I had watched the ending of Angel. That was ever MORE of a fandom-war ending than this was. (It ends with the beginning of the Big Showdown and it's implied that they most likely wont survive - the last picture is Angel brandishing a huge battle sword and the line: "Let's go to work")

To me the whole series could have had a subtitle: "The Education of Brian Kinney" (yes, I have let nanoa borrow it for her wip fic). The ending was so perfect in my eyes. All the guys had moved on and grown up - even Brian. Brian that was comfortable in his own skin. And that was what was important. He had learned to love and to let love in, and realized he didn't have to lose himself to do that. He was still Brian Fucking Kinney.

When I watched 513 for the first time (20 hrs after it aired in the US) I actually cried the whole last scene at Babylon because I though it was so poetic, so beautiful. If Justin had been there it would have somehow taken something away from it. The scene as it stands really tells the viewer that "What you now have witnessed during these past years is the monumental changes these men went through growing up to be men" Not a fairy(!)tale, but an snippet from their lives taken from the time that mattered the most.

Brian on the podium dancing by him self - Brian Kinney had finally arrived!

So perfect.
gaeln
Mar. 16th, 2007 06:00 pm (UTC)
As you can tell from my rant, I didn't see it that way then but I do now. Then I felt betrayed because I was invested in the Brian/Justin love story, not just Brian, but seeing it now, that whole scene with them in the loft before Justin leaves is pure fucking love, Brian hurts, Brian loves Justin and that is enough.

I guess that I'm now able to accept just that final visual of Brian which, frankly has haunted me since the show first aired, as enough means I do see things more as you do now. It is the educating of Brian Kinney.

I think I was mad initially because I thought that now that Justin had done all the work, gone through all the hell of helping Brian grow-up that someone else was going to reap the benefits but it doesn't need to be that way, it can be any way we want it.

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