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I have a Confession to make....

I never rewatch QAF...not ever which, undoubtedly, explains why I like to write AU.

I buy the DVDs, rewatch them once, okay it's not that I NEVER rewatch the show, I rewatch each season once, then put them away. And, actually, for Season Five, I only rewatched bits and pieces and 513 just to see if it was as bad as I remembered it was.

And it wasn't, for me it wasn't as bad one year later, but...

...I was so pissed when 513 aired, I felt ripped-off, like I'd invested all this time, emotions, money (the cost of five seasons of DVDs and CDs adds up after a while) and I felt like I didn't get the pay-off I expected...wanted...needed.

When I realized where 513 was going, I remember curling up into a little ball on the couch, thinking "they better not, they better not" but they did, they left Justin out and I was seriously seriously pissed. When it ended, I jumped up off of the couch, screamed mother-fuckers at the credits, went over to my husband and told him, "I gotta go," to which he replied, "you're really upset about this, aren't you?" I walked down the hall to our bedroom muttering, "yeah, I am,  I really am."

It wasn't the ending as such, it wasn't the story-line. I realized this fairly early on. Justin could have been anywhere, there are a thousand million reasons why he wasn't there, none of which having anything to do with Brian and him not being together anymore. I started writing my post513 story within a couple of months and in it I made everything turn out as I wanted. I had no involvement in the famdom, read no other post513 stories, working in complete isolation and I made myself happy.  Now I can read any post513 story (except gaedhal's evil stream, sorry, I read everything else) and I'm fine with it.

So what was my problem with the ending? I wanted a perfect last visual, one final ohmyfuckinggod image to carry me through (you know, like that tongue-kiss at the end of the busting-down of the backroom's door, then the cut-to-credits, then the cut back for that beautiful all-in-blue, 30 sec. kiss) and it wasn't there. How could it be when Justin wasn't there so...

...yesterday, as "research", I rewatched 513 and you know what? it is there, my perfect visual, I just never realized it and no, it doesn't include Justin, obviously but, for me, it doesn't have to. That sounds strange, even to me, because it's Justin I totally relate to but my visual is there nonetheless and it is just before the cut-to-credits. When Brian is dancing, when he throws his head back, his eyes just closed, all bathed in golden light, with his arms outstretched in front of him, it really is a ohmyfuckinggod image, how can anyone be so beautiful? and bam, cut-to-credits. That last little bit when they come back to Babylon after the credits doesn't exist for me, as far as I'm concerned, I never saw that.

That's not the Brian from season one that I see up on that platform. the Brian I see is a changed man, changed for the better and changed because of Justin and so...

...it really is only a matter of time.

Oh...I also rewatched the trying-on-of-the-tuxes scene, Brian so loves Justin. the way he looks at him, touches him, hovers over him...fuck. And honestly I got misty-eyes...I really did.

It's good.

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(Deleted comment)
gaeln
Mar. 16th, 2007 06:25 pm (UTC)
I can't wait to see your icon. It hurts how Brian buries his face in Justin's shoulder.

What I took from that scene was Brian when he was in bed alone, that visual burned into my brain and it made me seriously sad, then. Now I really am seeing things differently. The whole scene with the tuxes, Brian is so amazing. Even though I never wanted the wedding to happen, I glad for that whole arc just for that one scene. When he tells Justin he's beautiful, the sound of his voice...damn.

It's funny but I never believed Brian loved Justin from anywhere close to the beginning but then, I'm not much of a romantic.
(Deleted comment)
gaeln
Mar. 16th, 2007 09:31 pm (UTC)
When do you think Brian started realizing that he loved Justin. A lot of people think he realized it with the bashing but I don't think so. He sure didn't realize it the day before when he was still so self-indulgent he was trying to hang himself, fabulous orgasm or not, just because he'd turned thirty. Justin did not factor in to that lame-ass decision.

Your comment made me try and figure out when I really thought Brian understood he loved Justin. Maybe it was when Debbie forced the point at Woody's but I no longer remember where that scene fell in the scheme of things.

When do you think if you don't mind my asking.
(Deleted comment)
gaeln
Mar. 17th, 2007 09:56 pm (UTC)
Now that you bring it up, I do think for me the moment was when he was watching the James Dean movie and Justin came to return his key, right? and Brian had the computer all packed up for him to take with him because he knew he'd need it. Yeah because the hustler was part of all that. That seems realistic.

I just get a little freaked when someone will say Brian loved Justin from the very beginning, that's just too romance novel for me to handle, a man like Brian just doesn't work that way, at least as how I see him.

Thanks for getting back to me, I think you helped clarify my thinking.

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