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I have a Confession to make....

I never rewatch QAF...not ever which, undoubtedly, explains why I like to write AU.

I buy the DVDs, rewatch them once, okay it's not that I NEVER rewatch the show, I rewatch each season once, then put them away. And, actually, for Season Five, I only rewatched bits and pieces and 513 just to see if it was as bad as I remembered it was.

And it wasn't, for me it wasn't as bad one year later, but...

...I was so pissed when 513 aired, I felt ripped-off, like I'd invested all this time, emotions, money (the cost of five seasons of DVDs and CDs adds up after a while) and I felt like I didn't get the pay-off I expected...wanted...needed.

When I realized where 513 was going, I remember curling up into a little ball on the couch, thinking "they better not, they better not" but they did, they left Justin out and I was seriously seriously pissed. When it ended, I jumped up off of the couch, screamed mother-fuckers at the credits, went over to my husband and told him, "I gotta go," to which he replied, "you're really upset about this, aren't you?" I walked down the hall to our bedroom muttering, "yeah, I am,  I really am."

It wasn't the ending as such, it wasn't the story-line. I realized this fairly early on. Justin could have been anywhere, there are a thousand million reasons why he wasn't there, none of which having anything to do with Brian and him not being together anymore. I started writing my post513 story within a couple of months and in it I made everything turn out as I wanted. I had no involvement in the famdom, read no other post513 stories, working in complete isolation and I made myself happy.  Now I can read any post513 story (except gaedhal's evil stream, sorry, I read everything else) and I'm fine with it.

So what was my problem with the ending? I wanted a perfect last visual, one final ohmyfuckinggod image to carry me through (you know, like that tongue-kiss at the end of the busting-down of the backroom's door, then the cut-to-credits, then the cut back for that beautiful all-in-blue, 30 sec. kiss) and it wasn't there. How could it be when Justin wasn't there so...

...yesterday, as "research", I rewatched 513 and you know what? it is there, my perfect visual, I just never realized it and no, it doesn't include Justin, obviously but, for me, it doesn't have to. That sounds strange, even to me, because it's Justin I totally relate to but my visual is there nonetheless and it is just before the cut-to-credits. When Brian is dancing, when he throws his head back, his eyes just closed, all bathed in golden light, with his arms outstretched in front of him, it really is a ohmyfuckinggod image, how can anyone be so beautiful? and bam, cut-to-credits. That last little bit when they come back to Babylon after the credits doesn't exist for me, as far as I'm concerned, I never saw that.

That's not the Brian from season one that I see up on that platform. the Brian I see is a changed man, changed for the better and changed because of Justin and so...

...it really is only a matter of time.

Oh...I also rewatched the trying-on-of-the-tuxes scene, Brian so loves Justin. the way he looks at him, touches him, hovers over him...fuck. And honestly I got misty-eyes...I really did.

It's good.



Mar. 16th, 2007 01:00 am (UTC)
First just let me say that I'm not disagreeing with you...I do agree with what you said about Brian and how he'd grown.

My only problem with the ending is this...Justin was always so active in gay rights issues and causes...in your face stuff and very outspoken. So, here his lover has rebuilt a building that homophobes bombed...Justin being in the building when the bomb went off...Brian was taking his own stand against homophobia here. Almost shouting we won't be denied, we won't be shoved back in the closet, we're here and we're queer. So, I was extremely disappointed that Justin wasn't there with him...supporting not only Brian but the reopening of Babylon. Justin "stalked" Brian for years...always where he was...so when he finally gets him...he abandons him on an important night in the man's life? That was just a bit hard for me to swallow.
Mar. 16th, 2007 08:39 pm (UTC)
I totally agree with you, I felt the same way. What the fuck could possibly have kept Justin away? And like I said, for me, once I came up with a plausible reason that satisfied me, I no longer cared what cowlip's reason was. For all I know, they really were just sticking it to Randy, we will never know.

Justin's flying in the next morning and Brian knows it (with a reasonable reason for not being there that night)
Justin is flying in that night and it's a surprise
Justin was supposed to be there but he got the fucking flu (could happen)

We saw a little tiny bit of a very long night and it's ours now, has been for two years so we can do with it what we will.

I felt sick about it for a week or so then I let it go because, really, I don't have much of an attention span but given the objectivity of time, rewatching it, which, for the record, I never do, helped me.

Did you write something post513? I'd like to read it if you have.
Mar. 16th, 2007 08:50 pm (UTC)
Hey gaeln,

I know what you are saying about making up reasons and I guess we all do that. I'm not as pissed about the ending of the show now as I was when it happened, so it's all good...LOL.

Did you write something post513? I'd like to read it if you have.

Well, basically everything I've ever written has been post 513. Understand that I'm in no way putting down or saying anything bad about anyone who writes pre513. I mean one of my best friends writes Canon up a storm and he does it brilliantly. I, however, can't write Canon. I mean in my mind it's already been written by the writers of the show...it's already happened...so we go from there. My characters are always older, but you won't find me writing a continuation of the show...not as such. Again, I'm not dissing anyone who can write that...some of my favorite authors do it beautifully. I'm just weird that way.
Mar. 16th, 2007 09:43 pm (UTC)
I've not written much but the little story I'm writing now is the first one within canon but still not written to canon. Otherwise, I tend to write them older as well but, for the most part, the stories could be a continuation of canon.

'I mean one of my best friends writes Canon up a storm and he does it brilliantly'

You mean Alex, right? because his two vampire stories I love, viewing canon through a different lens and he writes so well, so intense.

I will definitely check out your stories, thanks.
Mar. 17th, 2007 02:19 am (UTC)
Yes I mean Cookie aka Alex or adrtylilsecret...hehehe. He's brilliant...totally gets me with all his fics.
Thanks for the head's up. I'll look for your story.

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