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I have a Confession to make....

I never rewatch QAF...not ever which, undoubtedly, explains why I like to write AU.

I buy the DVDs, rewatch them once, okay it's not that I NEVER rewatch the show, I rewatch each season once, then put them away. And, actually, for Season Five, I only rewatched bits and pieces and 513 just to see if it was as bad as I remembered it was.

And it wasn't, for me it wasn't as bad one year later, but...

...I was so pissed when 513 aired, I felt ripped-off, like I'd invested all this time, emotions, money (the cost of five seasons of DVDs and CDs adds up after a while) and I felt like I didn't get the pay-off I expected...wanted...needed.

When I realized where 513 was going, I remember curling up into a little ball on the couch, thinking "they better not, they better not" but they did, they left Justin out and I was seriously seriously pissed. When it ended, I jumped up off of the couch, screamed mother-fuckers at the credits, went over to my husband and told him, "I gotta go," to which he replied, "you're really upset about this, aren't you?" I walked down the hall to our bedroom muttering, "yeah, I am,  I really am."

It wasn't the ending as such, it wasn't the story-line. I realized this fairly early on. Justin could have been anywhere, there are a thousand million reasons why he wasn't there, none of which having anything to do with Brian and him not being together anymore. I started writing my post513 story within a couple of months and in it I made everything turn out as I wanted. I had no involvement in the famdom, read no other post513 stories, working in complete isolation and I made myself happy.  Now I can read any post513 story (except gaedhal's evil stream, sorry, I read everything else) and I'm fine with it.

So what was my problem with the ending? I wanted a perfect last visual, one final ohmyfuckinggod image to carry me through (you know, like that tongue-kiss at the end of the busting-down of the backroom's door, then the cut-to-credits, then the cut back for that beautiful all-in-blue, 30 sec. kiss) and it wasn't there. How could it be when Justin wasn't there so...

...yesterday, as "research", I rewatched 513 and you know what? it is there, my perfect visual, I just never realized it and no, it doesn't include Justin, obviously but, for me, it doesn't have to. That sounds strange, even to me, because it's Justin I totally relate to but my visual is there nonetheless and it is just before the cut-to-credits. When Brian is dancing, when he throws his head back, his eyes just closed, all bathed in golden light, with his arms outstretched in front of him, it really is a ohmyfuckinggod image, how can anyone be so beautiful? and bam, cut-to-credits. That last little bit when they come back to Babylon after the credits doesn't exist for me, as far as I'm concerned, I never saw that.

That's not the Brian from season one that I see up on that platform. the Brian I see is a changed man, changed for the better and changed because of Justin and so...

...it really is only a matter of time.

Oh...I also rewatched the trying-on-of-the-tuxes scene, Brian so loves Justin. the way he looks at him, touches him, hovers over him...fuck. And honestly I got misty-eyes...I really did.

It's good.



Mar. 16th, 2007 03:00 am (UTC)
I hear ya, darlin'! I knew that I must have seemed insane to some people, but after seeing 513 air I was crying my eyes out and was actually depressed over it! Not only was my favorite show over, but Brian and Justin weren't even together at the end! It was horrible and I couldn't even bring myself to watch the show for a while after that. I used to watch my DVDs so many times especially Season 1 and 2, but after 513 I couldn't watch it anymore, and I didn't for months. Tell you what though -- reading fan fic with happy endings really helped to make me feel better!

I'm glad that you found something to hang onto that made you feel better about the ending.

Mar. 16th, 2007 08:55 pm (UTC)
It has been a difficult road but worth the journey, it's just weird to me how what was once the worst image, Brian at the end WITHOUT Justin has now become the image that haunts me, so beautiful, the man is just so beautiful and he seems so at ease within himself. Until I rewatched 513, I thought that image was just something I made up in my head but it is real, they, at least, did give me that.

And they gave me a reason to write, if they had given me my perfect ending, there wouldn't have been any reason for me to spend like fourteen, fifteen months of my life making the ending right so I have to thank them for that as well, I really do. I hadn't written anything since college and now I can't imagine not doing it...so sweet.

And as for the fanfic/fandom, we take care of each other, don't we? Whether it stories, graphics, vids, commenting...whatever, it all adds up to a pretty nice place to be.
Mar. 17th, 2007 02:17 am (UTC)
Am I brain dead? Why didn't I know about these stories you've written? Or maybe you told me but I forgot? *head palm*

I clicked on the link that had your story A Time From Now -- but the first 5 chapters are missing. Could you please add them to your memories so I can read your story? *bats eyelashes*

-Trish :)
Mar. 17th, 2007 09:32 pm (UTC)
You are not brain dead and I probably didn't tell you because I've told no one, I posted 'Acceptance' and 'A Time From Now' into the void, I had friended no one at that time. I fixed the story but you should look for it under "my stories" in memories not where it says the title. My memories are a mess but I can't figure how to make it right, eventually.

Just know it's long and there are others and it goes on forever into the future so...yeah, major character deaths...be aware, it's vaguely epic, the passing of a generation blah blah.

got questions, let me know.
Mar. 17th, 2007 10:07 pm (UTC)
I don't mind long stories, and though major character death is not really my favorite thing to read, I'm okay with it if the story is really good. :)

Oh, I found the rest of the chapters, thanks! I'll be sure to leave you some feedback once I've finished reading.

I hope you have a great weekend!

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