?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

I have a Confession to make....

I never rewatch QAF...not ever which, undoubtedly, explains why I like to write AU.

I buy the DVDs, rewatch them once, okay it's not that I NEVER rewatch the show, I rewatch each season once, then put them away. And, actually, for Season Five, I only rewatched bits and pieces and 513 just to see if it was as bad as I remembered it was.

And it wasn't, for me it wasn't as bad one year later, but...

...I was so pissed when 513 aired, I felt ripped-off, like I'd invested all this time, emotions, money (the cost of five seasons of DVDs and CDs adds up after a while) and I felt like I didn't get the pay-off I expected...wanted...needed.

When I realized where 513 was going, I remember curling up into a little ball on the couch, thinking "they better not, they better not" but they did, they left Justin out and I was seriously seriously pissed. When it ended, I jumped up off of the couch, screamed mother-fuckers at the credits, went over to my husband and told him, "I gotta go," to which he replied, "you're really upset about this, aren't you?" I walked down the hall to our bedroom muttering, "yeah, I am,  I really am."

It wasn't the ending as such, it wasn't the story-line. I realized this fairly early on. Justin could have been anywhere, there are a thousand million reasons why he wasn't there, none of which having anything to do with Brian and him not being together anymore. I started writing my post513 story within a couple of months and in it I made everything turn out as I wanted. I had no involvement in the famdom, read no other post513 stories, working in complete isolation and I made myself happy.  Now I can read any post513 story (except gaedhal's evil stream, sorry, I read everything else) and I'm fine with it.

So what was my problem with the ending? I wanted a perfect last visual, one final ohmyfuckinggod image to carry me through (you know, like that tongue-kiss at the end of the busting-down of the backroom's door, then the cut-to-credits, then the cut back for that beautiful all-in-blue, 30 sec. kiss) and it wasn't there. How could it be when Justin wasn't there so...

...yesterday, as "research", I rewatched 513 and you know what? it is there, my perfect visual, I just never realized it and no, it doesn't include Justin, obviously but, for me, it doesn't have to. That sounds strange, even to me, because it's Justin I totally relate to but my visual is there nonetheless and it is just before the cut-to-credits. When Brian is dancing, when he throws his head back, his eyes just closed, all bathed in golden light, with his arms outstretched in front of him, it really is a ohmyfuckinggod image, how can anyone be so beautiful? and bam, cut-to-credits. That last little bit when they come back to Babylon after the credits doesn't exist for me, as far as I'm concerned, I never saw that.

That's not the Brian from season one that I see up on that platform. the Brian I see is a changed man, changed for the better and changed because of Justin and so...

...it really is only a matter of time.

Oh...I also rewatched the trying-on-of-the-tuxes scene, Brian so loves Justin. the way he looks at him, touches him, hovers over him...fuck. And honestly I got misty-eyes...I really did.

It's good.

Tags:

Comments

herefordroad
Mar. 16th, 2007 04:03 am (UTC)
i, too, find it difficult to re-watch the series. everything you wrote about 513 is exactly how i felt when it first aired. i don't know if re-watching it now will give me the warm feeling you got but i guess i could give it a try. i really wanted justin in that scene following the credits because i thought it was realistic that he would return for the reopening of babylon. but i'm very happy to say that i've found profound solace in the post 513 fiction. it has helped me in a way i could never have anticipated! as for the trying-on-the-tuxes scene, the love in their eyes will haunt me for a very long time.
gaeln
Mar. 16th, 2007 09:11 pm (UTC)
Try rewatching it because knowing Justin isn't going to be there changes your expectations. I don't know nor do I care (anymore) what cowlip's reasons were for not including him, in my head, I have him doing what he's doing in my story but you could just pretend he has the flu, he had every intention of being there but, at the last minute, he got sick and just as soon as he's well, he'll be there. Just focus on Brian. Nothing that ends with him so complete and so beautiful can ultimately be bad, Justin is there, in a sense, inside Brian and in the change we can see so clearly in him.

Give it a try, I'm really so glad I did even if it is almost two years later, I obviously needed that much time to gain the proper perspective.

As the love in their eyes in the tux scene haunts you, the way Brian looks in those last seconds before the credits will haunt me.
herefordroad
Mar. 17th, 2007 04:13 am (UTC)
i'm going to watch the last scene in 513 again with an open mind like you suggested...knowing that justin won't be there. you are right...i spent the entire last scene waiting for him to appear. i think i will have a new perspective now that time has passed and i've read many comments about the ending and what it meant to other people. thanks for your input, i appreciate it.
gaeln
Mar. 17th, 2007 10:33 pm (UTC)
No problem and please let me know what you think.

Latest Month

May 2019
S M T W T F S
   1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031 

GALLERIES

Tags

Page Summary

Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by yoksel