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I have a Confession to make....

I never rewatch QAF...not ever which, undoubtedly, explains why I like to write AU.

I buy the DVDs, rewatch them once, okay it's not that I NEVER rewatch the show, I rewatch each season once, then put them away. And, actually, for Season Five, I only rewatched bits and pieces and 513 just to see if it was as bad as I remembered it was.

And it wasn't, for me it wasn't as bad one year later, but...

...I was so pissed when 513 aired, I felt ripped-off, like I'd invested all this time, emotions, money (the cost of five seasons of DVDs and CDs adds up after a while) and I felt like I didn't get the pay-off I expected...wanted...needed.

When I realized where 513 was going, I remember curling up into a little ball on the couch, thinking "they better not, they better not" but they did, they left Justin out and I was seriously seriously pissed. When it ended, I jumped up off of the couch, screamed mother-fuckers at the credits, went over to my husband and told him, "I gotta go," to which he replied, "you're really upset about this, aren't you?" I walked down the hall to our bedroom muttering, "yeah, I am,  I really am."

It wasn't the ending as such, it wasn't the story-line. I realized this fairly early on. Justin could have been anywhere, there are a thousand million reasons why he wasn't there, none of which having anything to do with Brian and him not being together anymore. I started writing my post513 story within a couple of months and in it I made everything turn out as I wanted. I had no involvement in the famdom, read no other post513 stories, working in complete isolation and I made myself happy.  Now I can read any post513 story (except gaedhal's evil stream, sorry, I read everything else) and I'm fine with it.

So what was my problem with the ending? I wanted a perfect last visual, one final ohmyfuckinggod image to carry me through (you know, like that tongue-kiss at the end of the busting-down of the backroom's door, then the cut-to-credits, then the cut back for that beautiful all-in-blue, 30 sec. kiss) and it wasn't there. How could it be when Justin wasn't there so...

...yesterday, as "research", I rewatched 513 and you know what? it is there, my perfect visual, I just never realized it and no, it doesn't include Justin, obviously but, for me, it doesn't have to. That sounds strange, even to me, because it's Justin I totally relate to but my visual is there nonetheless and it is just before the cut-to-credits. When Brian is dancing, when he throws his head back, his eyes just closed, all bathed in golden light, with his arms outstretched in front of him, it really is a ohmyfuckinggod image, how can anyone be so beautiful? and bam, cut-to-credits. That last little bit when they come back to Babylon after the credits doesn't exist for me, as far as I'm concerned, I never saw that.

That's not the Brian from season one that I see up on that platform. the Brian I see is a changed man, changed for the better and changed because of Justin and so...

...it really is only a matter of time.

Oh...I also rewatched the trying-on-of-the-tuxes scene, Brian so loves Justin. the way he looks at him, touches him, hovers over him...fuck. And honestly I got misty-eyes...I really did.

It's good.

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gaeln
Mar. 16th, 2007 08:10 pm (UTC)
Re: 513
As someone who seems to think more from Brian's perspective, I can imagine the 'marriage arc' was a mess for you and I don't know why but I knew they would never let that play out, that Brian and Justin would never end up getting married.

Cowlip made their point with Ben and Michael so, to me, it was much more about showing Brian's confusion and his inability to really know how to deal with his feelings toward Justin. He seemed to want his cake and to eat it to, still play like he always had but have Justin as his partner also and when it became clear that really wasn't what Justin THOUGHT he wanted, when he left Brian again, after assuring him he "...got Brian" Brian really was kind of lost. Proposing marriage just seemed like another one of Brian's grand gestures like Mikey's thirtieth birthday party, his misguided attempt at making things right.

For me it's Britin, man, I can not deal with Britin. Talk about fairy tale endings, talking about mixing up compassion with consumerism, another misguided grand gesture.

You're right though, that image didn't bring closure, I wouldn't have wanted it to because then there would be nothing for us to write about, at least, for me, that's the case. What that image given me is a sense of hope. Brian seems to be a finer human being then before, compare that image with the one of him dragging some trick into the backroom in 101 where he looks right into the camera.

I never wanted to see Brian broken, that's the only way I can describe it, I never wanted to see him all settled and domestic and I think you feel the same. At the end, he isn't but he does seem much more aware of himself and the consequences of his actions.

You can be honest and true to yourself without being brutal about it and, honestly, sometimes Brian could be brutal. He treated tricks like shit and he didn't have to, he did it because they were meaningless to him. Maybe that's what he's learned, how not to be like that.

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