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I have a Confession to make....

I never rewatch QAF...not ever which, undoubtedly, explains why I like to write AU.

I buy the DVDs, rewatch them once, okay it's not that I NEVER rewatch the show, I rewatch each season once, then put them away. And, actually, for Season Five, I only rewatched bits and pieces and 513 just to see if it was as bad as I remembered it was.

And it wasn't, for me it wasn't as bad one year later, but...

...I was so pissed when 513 aired, I felt ripped-off, like I'd invested all this time, emotions, money (the cost of five seasons of DVDs and CDs adds up after a while) and I felt like I didn't get the pay-off I expected...wanted...needed.

When I realized where 513 was going, I remember curling up into a little ball on the couch, thinking "they better not, they better not" but they did, they left Justin out and I was seriously seriously pissed. When it ended, I jumped up off of the couch, screamed mother-fuckers at the credits, went over to my husband and told him, "I gotta go," to which he replied, "you're really upset about this, aren't you?" I walked down the hall to our bedroom muttering, "yeah, I am,  I really am."

It wasn't the ending as such, it wasn't the story-line. I realized this fairly early on. Justin could have been anywhere, there are a thousand million reasons why he wasn't there, none of which having anything to do with Brian and him not being together anymore. I started writing my post513 story within a couple of months and in it I made everything turn out as I wanted. I had no involvement in the famdom, read no other post513 stories, working in complete isolation and I made myself happy.  Now I can read any post513 story (except gaedhal's evil stream, sorry, I read everything else) and I'm fine with it.

So what was my problem with the ending? I wanted a perfect last visual, one final ohmyfuckinggod image to carry me through (you know, like that tongue-kiss at the end of the busting-down of the backroom's door, then the cut-to-credits, then the cut back for that beautiful all-in-blue, 30 sec. kiss) and it wasn't there. How could it be when Justin wasn't there so...

...yesterday, as "research", I rewatched 513 and you know what? it is there, my perfect visual, I just never realized it and no, it doesn't include Justin, obviously but, for me, it doesn't have to. That sounds strange, even to me, because it's Justin I totally relate to but my visual is there nonetheless and it is just before the cut-to-credits. When Brian is dancing, when he throws his head back, his eyes just closed, all bathed in golden light, with his arms outstretched in front of him, it really is a ohmyfuckinggod image, how can anyone be so beautiful? and bam, cut-to-credits. That last little bit when they come back to Babylon after the credits doesn't exist for me, as far as I'm concerned, I never saw that.

That's not the Brian from season one that I see up on that platform. the Brian I see is a changed man, changed for the better and changed because of Justin and so...

...it really is only a matter of time.

Oh...I also rewatched the trying-on-of-the-tuxes scene, Brian so loves Justin. the way he looks at him, touches him, hovers over him...fuck. And honestly I got misty-eyes...I really did.

It's good.



Mar. 16th, 2007 08:50 pm (UTC)
Hey gaeln,

I know what you are saying about making up reasons and I guess we all do that. I'm not as pissed about the ending of the show now as I was when it happened, so it's all good...LOL.

Did you write something post513? I'd like to read it if you have.

Well, basically everything I've ever written has been post 513. Understand that I'm in no way putting down or saying anything bad about anyone who writes pre513. I mean one of my best friends writes Canon up a storm and he does it brilliantly. I, however, can't write Canon. I mean in my mind it's already been written by the writers of the show...it's already happened...so we go from there. My characters are always older, but you won't find me writing a continuation of the show...not as such. Again, I'm not dissing anyone who can write that...some of my favorite authors do it beautifully. I'm just weird that way.
Mar. 16th, 2007 09:43 pm (UTC)
I've not written much but the little story I'm writing now is the first one within canon but still not written to canon. Otherwise, I tend to write them older as well but, for the most part, the stories could be a continuation of canon.

'I mean one of my best friends writes Canon up a storm and he does it brilliantly'

You mean Alex, right? because his two vampire stories I love, viewing canon through a different lens and he writes so well, so intense.

I will definitely check out your stories, thanks.
Mar. 17th, 2007 02:19 am (UTC)
Yes I mean Cookie aka Alex or adrtylilsecret...hehehe. He's brilliant...totally gets me with all his fics.
Thanks for the head's up. I'll look for your story.

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