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Happiness Month_Day Six

Day Six
Three Gratitudes_18/ 63
          I'm grateful:
16_that in the main, David, Lauren and I have been very health
17_that I have an active inquiring mind
18_that I have thoroughly enjoyed drawing all my life and writing over the past decade as my creative outlets

144_smile_jackshoegazer
One Positive_6/ 21
My positive for today would have to be the day itself, warm and sunny so that I was able to get a nice amount of yard work done after doing my meditation but before heading off to the grocery store. I caught up on LJ, caught up on email, read a canto in Paradiso, did one major household chore which was to clean the inside of the refrigerator, I wrote one of the 20 little verses I need to for the little book I'm working on, and I did this post. Productive day!

          I did one act of doing something beyond the normal.
Actually for today, I'd call this more about getting my priorities straight, a kind of confession.
          How do I say this? When I first learned that Randall & Brian were fiction, I felt a fool and felt much more sad about the fact that they weren't real then about the fact that the woman who had created them had died. Priorities messed up.
          A tiny bit of backstory. After S5, after leaving the Showtime Showboards, while trying to find QAF fandom, the first people I found were Randall, his stories, his yahoo group, Ethan xhaleslowly and a woman named Danny who has her own site which is amazingly still there.Through Ethan, I found LJ and through Randall, I found Brian. And while I was never 'in' with either Randall or Brian, I just read and commented on their stories, they had nonetheless always been there, supposedly just living their lives, and so, I felt this stunning sense of loss because I believed.
          My first unthinking response was to blame Carol and for this, I apologize. Without her, we never would have had either of them in the first place so, I've determined to just let it be, at least for myself. Lots of others got far more involved then I, became friends, confidants, receiving phone calls and presents and cards, very elaborate stuff and, for them, this realization must be more difficult to reconcile, but for me, I'm just sorry that for a little while anyway, I allowed my priorities to become skewed. So, thank you, Carol, for allowing me, for at least a little while, to spend time with your creations. I just hope you were happy with the path you chose.
          I did exercise, by working in the garden for over an hour!
          I did meditate, using my iPod, this activity, after only six days, is something I look forward to doing.

Fifteen days to go.

***

Comments

( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
ashmedai
Mar. 12th, 2013 07:27 am (UTC)
I've heard about this drama with Carol a little bit (I could kinda piece it together since I'm not in fandom and never knew Brian or Randall, or read their stuff). I'm glad to see a couple people have realized priorities have gotten a bit fucked up - I totally respect that. The rest, I guess, will continue to hurl the first stone, having learned nothing from the past and enjoying the self-righteous, bigoted little wank party. They disgust me to no end and I'm gonna do a little f-list clean-up when I get the time. :)

gaeln
Mar. 12th, 2013 06:17 pm (UTC)
I wanked a little at the get-go, understand that for 8, maybe 9 years, I believed them real. I would wank just the same if I found out you and Chris weren't and whoever had 'created' you had just died. 'How dare she take Alex and Chris away from me!!!' I would exclaim. Took me a day or two, but I've worked it out. Still, since I was never nearly as invested as many, I can only imagine how weird this must all be and difficult to reconcile.

Be kind with your clean-up, calmer heads will eventually prevail, I'm pretty sure.
ashmedai
Mar. 12th, 2013 06:29 pm (UTC)
I guess I learned from the last time this happened, to accept people at face value and accept them for who they say they are - if it turns out their background wasn't what they claimed, hey, then it is what it is. I still got to know their essence, everything they are that makes a person a human being, and that's what matters. I'd never again help someone "check up on" anyone on my f-list again, let alone anything else like making names or photographs public, or keep someone on my list who does that. That's just creepy. I tell myself either accept people for who they say they are, or stop talking about "acceptance" and stay off the damn internet. I chose the former. My online experience is a lot happier now. ;)
gaeln
Mar. 12th, 2013 06:35 pm (UTC)
well said and I agree. Thanks.
shadownyc
Mar. 12th, 2013 11:14 am (UTC)
I always love reading your "grateful" section. It inspires me to appreciate my own life as you share yours. *Hugs*

It's incredible how the "history" of the QaF fandom has so many twists and turns... in many ways more complex than the show itself.
gaeln
Mar. 12th, 2013 05:59 pm (UTC)
How lovely of you to say. I did all ultimately 63 gratitudes one night watching TV and doing it all at a rush like that made me realize that life has been good to me. Maybe you could snag just that one part of this and post a couple a day. The point if to redirect your thinking in a more positive direction and, honestly, doing this is helping with that.

I've never gotten caught up before, in any of the weirdness. A cautionary tale for sure.
techgirl_on_ij
Mar. 12th, 2013 08:10 pm (UTC)
I really enjoy reading your Happiness Month posts, especially the Positive part.
gaeln
Mar. 12th, 2013 08:29 pm (UTC)
I'm so glad! This idea was developed to help people redirect their thoughts toward a more positive outlook. Since I tend toward the cynical, I thought this would be good for me and it has been :)

Thanks so much for reading along :)
skimmed_miilk
Mar. 12th, 2013 08:44 pm (UTC)
That's a strange situation you mention about the fake/fictional profiles. Over the years I've been part of a large network of people who met through an old website for (then!) teenagers. And over those years, we have had to face that some people are not who they claimed to be. Like you, I was never as close to those few like others were, but the sense of betrayal must be something difficult to contend with. Obviously because this woman has died rather than simply being "found out", that adds a whole new dimension and no doubt a lot of unanswered questions for those who have not only lost the creator but also her characters...no wonder there's been some bad feeling.
gaeln
Mar. 12th, 2013 11:14 pm (UTC)
I discovered what had happened around 11pm and the next morning when I woke up I really did feel like 2 people I cared about had died and sadly, neither of them was Carol. And you're right, I'm afraid in some circles, the fallout will last a good long time. She actually had a 10-year long yahoo group run by one of them and a twitter account for the other!! Turns out she was a mother and grandmother. I'm glad that like me, you also weren't too involved.

I guess, like you, this is how we learn and once learned, hopefully a lesson never to be forgotten.

fansee
May. 3rd, 2013 03:49 am (UTC)
Carol
I now realize I was A LOT less involved than you were! I only heard about the deception and Carol's death after everybody else in the LJ world. For me it was, "Huh, strange," and that was it. FanSee
arwensong
Mar. 13th, 2013 01:15 am (UTC)
These are great to read; they help me think of things to be grateful for in my own life.

gaeln
Mar. 13th, 2013 09:21 pm (UTC)
Which is the point, actually, of this exercise, to redirect your thinking in a more positive direction, not necessarily an easy thing for me :)
flashfly
Mar. 14th, 2013 01:23 am (UTC)
Which canto are you on?
gaeln
Mar. 15th, 2013 01:26 am (UTC)
I only just finished #8, which took place at Venus with Charles Martel who I liked because it's all about the history.
flashfly
Mar. 23rd, 2013 08:11 am (UTC)
Who is Charles Martel?
gaeln
Mar. 24th, 2013 12:43 am (UTC)
The main person who, with Beatrice's approval, speaks to Dante while visiting Venus. Dante used Martel to discuss history/ political issues like he used people like Thomas Aquinas, at Mars, to discuss religious issues.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Martel
I am now on Canto XV and am still at Mars!
flashfly
Mar. 24th, 2013 03:13 am (UTC)
Ah, thank you. For some reason, I thought Martel was a contemporary, not one of the Dante historical figures. There were so many! Patience, you will ascend up, up, up with Beatrice and Dante!
( 18 comments — Leave a comment )

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