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I've been meaning to tell you...

my dear LJ friends, that for the past little while, we, Daiv, Lauren, and I, have been on a journey that was not only unforseen, but that has been life-transforming, and that, simply put, has had some serious ups and downs.

That journey is really and truly Lauren's as she transfroms from who she has been, our sweet girl, to who she is to become, our sweet boy. A boy who will probably be named Aaron but, like the pronoun-shift, her name change hasn't happened quite yet, but soon. Very soon.

I've told pretty much everyone I know in Real Life and everyone I've told has been fantastic. Even those I was somewhat concerned about. Eveyone has been amazing and, interestingly, everyone has told me that they've known someone, acquaintance, friend, family member, who's transgender. I on-the-other-hand, until Lauren, had not. I assumed, while she was growing up, that she was like me, just a little less feminine than all the rest of the girls. No nail polish for us or pointy-heeled shoes or pastel colored clothing, us both always vearing toward the guy stuff in stores because we found their colorways so much more attractive than the girl stuff.

And that's why she was confussed as long as she was, thinking she was like me, pretty damn androgenous. But one day googling what all the letters stood for in LGBT, she realized that the 'T' applied to her. Then, a while later she told me and then, a while later she told her dad.

And now I tell you because I've always known that I was brought here for a reason beyond QAF and even beyond the friendships I've been privledged to find here. My journal in the future is going to become a place where I store the memories of this journey of ours which, I hope, some of you will take with us at least part of the time for part of the way. Any feedback I may get from you will be appreciated because, despite Real Life friends, I still sometimes feel very alone in this.

Lauren told me sometime ago that for some parents it's as though their pre-transgender child has died and while maybe a little dramatic, I can understand that. With each next injection of testasterone I give her, she becomes less woman and more man and I can't help but look at the photos of the little girl she was, the woman I saw her  becoming so clear in my mind, and mourn her loss.

Still inside Lauren is Lauren, a little more moody and tempermental than before we started the shots, which BTW will continue for the rest of her life, but she is also so much happier than before we'd started on this journey, when ahead of her all she saw was the unknown. Now she knows, at least as far as we are concerned, she is safe.

Thanks to anyone who has taken the time to read this.

***

Comments

( 20 comments — Leave a comment )
ashmedai
May. 10th, 2016 04:01 am (UTC)
This warmed my heart and made me smile so much. Because I'm happy for every transgender young person who has support and parents such as yourself. *hug*
gaeln
May. 15th, 2016 06:31 pm (UTC)
Thanks, sweetie. we very much appreciate your supportive thoughts. Hugs to you too :)
techgirl_on_ij
May. 10th, 2016 02:01 pm (UTC)
You are truly wonderful parents for taking this journey with your soon to be son.
gaeln
May. 15th, 2016 06:33 pm (UTC)
We realized it was either acceptance or loosing our child which isn't an option. Thanks for your lovely thoughts.
lisa_thecat
May. 10th, 2016 05:51 pm (UTC)
Good luck in your journey. I think everybody who is going through a transition remains exactely the same person, just maybe they're happier this way. And change is inevitable and for mothers it is hard to accept anyway. The little child you remember is gone anyway, as they grow up and change into mature individuals. Be strong and stay supportive and everything will be alright!
gaeln
May. 15th, 2016 06:37 pm (UTC)
Thank you! And you are right, change is inevitale, although honestly, I wasn't expecting quite this much when Lauren was a little kid but, now that we have truly embarked on this journey, she is happier and will be even happier once we switch up the pronoun, a next step that is still a little ways off. One step at a time.
connorblond
May. 10th, 2016 06:59 pm (UTC)
*hugging you tightly*

I am sure, Lauren and you are all excited and scared at the same time and, of course, happy because she/He found her way.
Thank you for being the mother and father she needed to walk that path. A lot of gay or transgender kids don't have that, you know? My mother, when she wasn't as angry and disappointed anymore, once told me that the worst for her was that I would never give her grandkids. It took me a while to understand that the idea was simply her dreams for a life I would never live. I think it is very okay to mourn what will never be, but at the same time embrace what will. You are very obviously doing that - and Lauren will feel so loved and accepted. It is so precious and important, and I am glad she will have that from you.

Thank you for sharing this with us. And good luck!
gaeln
May. 15th, 2016 07:15 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I need hugs, I admit.

Lauren is very excited, having waited long enough to become who she should have always been. I'm more scared because hormones do actually change a person and she is changing, in many ways she is the same and in many ways she isn't. It's a struggle and I am like your mom, having seen in my mind's eye her wedding day, her pregnant, grandkids. Thank you very telling me this especially:
"I think it is very okay to mourn what will never be, but at the same time embrace what will"
Perfectly said, Connor. Thank you.
(Deleted comment)
gaeln
May. 15th, 2016 07:22 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Rebecca, so much

I admit to you I haven't been perfect, a little angry, very scared but the response I've gotten from everyone has been amazing, has given me strength. Still, while the news on TV brings hope, it's also disheartening seeing how some people think, what they believe. We still have a ways to go but are, in the main, moving in the right direction.
qafhappy
May. 10th, 2016 10:49 pm (UTC)
She is truly lucky to have you as parents, to help make her transition easier. I look forward to hearing more about her journey.
gaeln
May. 15th, 2016 07:24 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I will post more about her journe. There still is so much more, name changing, a couple of operations, and so on. This process takes a while :)
7wildwaysup
May. 11th, 2016 01:14 am (UTC)
I'm so glad she has your support as she goes through this transition. Support of family and friends is so important, and thankfully society is becoming more and more aware and accepting of all our LGBT sisters and brothers...

Hugs Darling ~ Kathleen
gaeln
May. 15th, 2016 07:36 pm (UTC)
You are right, slowly society is becoming more accepting of LGBT issues, thank heavens and I think that may be partly because, since many people are no longer willing to keep quiet, more and more people know someone who represents one of those letters L G B or in our case T. An open and supportive society must be the goal and we are mving there one step at a time :)
film102
May. 12th, 2016 01:05 am (UTC)
My darling Gayle
The grieving process you are experiencing must be immense. I have no idea what to say beyond, I am so sorry for your loss at this point. Will she be safe to do the surgery involved. I saw The Danish Woman and it was terrifying to me.

How is your husband taking all this. A little of you feel as if it is being yanked away from you every day. Like an Alzheimer's caretaker except there will be a living, breathing person, new to behold, a transformed one someday. I was going to say, "at the end." but there is no end. Just a continuing, evolving process of becoming who he is.

I have a friend here in Denver who is undergoing the process and he is beautiful and so much more at rest and peaceful in his new identity.

Keep him safe and know I will be praying for you in your grieving process and the acceptance of it all as Lauren becomes who he is.

Love you and keep you in my heart dear one,

the fabulous Ms M

Edited at 2016-05-12 01:08 am (UTC)
gaeln
May. 15th, 2016 08:08 pm (UTC)
Re: My darling Gayle
It is, more so than I let on to most people. Just the idea that Lauren will change her name brings tears. It's weird how she is changing yet remains the same. I can't really explain it well but I think you know how I mean. She has researched and knows who to go to for the two main operations, a doctor in Flordia for the chest surgery (soon) and one in San Francisco for the female internal organs surgery (later).

David was stunned when he first was told and still remains somewhat removed, a little distant. When first told, he asked what we were going to do and I said accept what she has to do or loose her, not an option for either of us. Still, I take Lauren to her hormone doctor, to her therapist, I give her her shots all of which is probably as it should be but I know that whatever Lauren needs, David will help her get that.

Thank you so much for your lovely supportive thoughts. You can't know how much appretion I have. I hope your friend's journey is always a peaceful one also full of support and acceptance.

Love, Gayle
sydneyalexis
May. 12th, 2016 07:57 pm (UTC)
One of my best friends in high school eventually transitions from male to female. As a boy, he grew up in a staunchly Catholic household deep in the South. He was deeply closeted, utterly miserable, and greatly depressed throughout high school. It got so bad that his mother tried to push him into joining the seminary hoping that studying "The Word" would "straighten him out".

Needless to say, the moment he turned 18 he moved out and began transitioning and seeing a therapist to help him sort out his feelings about everything -- especially his relationship with her family and his church.

She died at 29 from a neurological disorder. However, those 11 years between high school and her death were the happiest of her whole life. I watched her bloom and become a new, whole person, totally settling into and loving her life.

Having seen first hand how ugly people can be to someone in that situation, I am UNBELIEVABLY glad that Lauren has someone in hir life that accepts and is supportive of hir choice. ♥

Edited at 2016-05-12 08:07 pm (UTC)
gaeln
May. 15th, 2016 08:16 pm (UTC)
I'm just so happy that, despite dying way too young, your friend had the guts once she'd left home to do what she needed to do, even then as you know some don't, and was able to be happy for what time she had. Very brave.

Lauren has us that's for sure and always will. All is not always a bed of roses, her dad can be a little distant, I can be a little angry, you know, just now and then :) But we'll be with her every stepof the way so, thank you for your kind thoughts. Always appreciated greatly :)
(Deleted comment)
gaeln
May. 15th, 2016 08:19 pm (UTC)
It's actually a fairly long journey, therapy now, operations later, and we will be with her every step of the way. Thanks for your best wishes and I will keep you updated as to her, our, journey :)
mitakay
May. 15th, 2016 09:52 pm (UTC)
Thanks for sharing your story. Your daughter soon to be son is certainly blessed to have such supportive parents. Best of luck to your family as you travel this journey together.
Hugs!
Xo
gaeln
May. 15th, 2016 10:08 pm (UTC)
Thank you :) The response from riends has just been overwhelmingly positive. We haven't told David's 84 year old mom quite yet, his side of the family the last to find out and, I admit, doing so is making me a little nervous but soon. I'm sure it'll be fine.
( 20 comments — Leave a comment )

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