I've also included Mr. Lincoln's version for comparison. And, since David did, I've included his comment back to Mr. Virgule.
FOURSCORE and seven years ago, our fathers — and also, our mothers. I love mothers, too, because we need our mothers — brought forth on this continent a huge nation, a great, amazing country dedicated to the proposition that we can beat any weak losers who are bad, bad guys and totally overrated, believe me.
Now, it just so happens we are in a horrible, stupid war. They’re killing us. Just killing us. I would sue for peace, because when I sue I never settle, but if it had been up to me we never would have been here to begin with. I would have negotiated, and I wouldn’t have risked the country over a few slaves, who some of them might be good people — I had some nice African-American ladies working for me, and they were very dependable ladies — but it’s dumb to risk the whole country for political correctness. It really is. The blacks love me, by the way. Frederick Douglass has been to my house.
So, here we are in front of you beautiful people of Gettysburg, and you are a very good-looking group of people. You know, I went to business school near here so I know Pennsylvania, believe me. I love the people of Gettysburg, and I can tell you are embarrassed about what our country has become.
Do you see these Amish people buggying around with their very unattractive women in their sad outfits? Please, who would even date these women?
Those bearded fanatics haven’t even bothered to learn English, and they’re taking your cow-milking jobs. It’s sad. It’s sick. It really is. And I know you are angry. I’m angry, too, because I love this country and I can make it great again.
And here, they tell me, this is some great battlefield of the war, and by the way, I know everything about fields and this could be a terrific, world-class 27-hole golf resort: about 7,300 yards from the gold championship tees and a beautiful hotel, and not some cemetery for so-called heroes.
Heroes don’t get killed. Heroes win. Then they kill the families of the losers. It’s a beautiful, beautiful thing. Maybe a casino, too.
So, why dedicate? Why consecrate? Why hallow this ground? Only a very stupid person would consecrate it. What we need to do is rezone it.
“Agriculture”? Are you kidding me? This is a gold mine, and we’re sitting here on folding chairs looking at gravestones? It’s disgusting.
Unfortunately, the suckers died in vain, which never would have happened if matters were in my hands. My attractive, normal-size hands. Look at them … is there anything wrong with these hands? You bet there isn’t.
And if someone next to you maybe disagrees — some sick, sad person — and I’m not saying what to do, but I’d certainly understand if some of my people who are looked down on by those people would seek out some of those people and decide that — who knows? — they should perish from the earth.
Fantastic!!! You captured his tone, syntax and pentameter! The party of Lincoln now has this man to represent them...how sad.
Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.